By 9:15pm the kids had dinner and dessert. By the time I was able to sit down and eat my food was cold. Sometimes I think that’s a requirement of motherhood….’must eat after everyone else and food must be cold.’ I enjoyed sitting in the car for about 45 minutes. I had planned on calling some friends or playing on Twitter, but instead I listened to Justin Timberlake(I’m in love with his new cd)and sat in deep thought. At 11:15pm the food still needs to be put away and the kids are in bed, Samuel is sleeping and I’m hoping the girls will follow soon. I’ve been dog tired since Thursday because we’ve been going non-stop since….a break is needed very very soon. I loooooooooove having a car, but I forgot how tired being constantly on the move can make you.
Lately I’ve been feeling the need for privacy and wonder when we’ll be able to move into our own place. I’m very grateful that we’re able to stay with my parents, but I’m ready for something that’s mine. Each time one of the girls asks me when we can have our own place so they can have a room of their own, my heart breaks a little more. I want to sleep in a real bed, not on the couch. I want to get dressed in my own room, not hide away in the bathroom. If I don’t feel like cleaning up after the kids I want to be able to leave it for days if I choose. The kids want a dog or cat and I do too! There’s so much goodness going on around us and so much to be grateful for…I feel guilty voicing my first world problems like this. I know we can stay with my parents as long as we need but I also know that we all would like to have our space.
I saw this hanging in our Pediatricians office last week. I love it. I need to print this out and hang it on the wall.
I can’t help but wonder when I’ll be able to provide more for my family. Some days I feel really beat down and then I start to feel annoyed and then comes the anger/sadness, sometimes both. There are times when I feel I’m doing all I can for my kids…. other times I feel I could/should be doing more. If anyone out there thinks that I have it easy because I live with my parents, let me correct you right now. These are my children, I am their mother, and I am taking care of them and raising them. Yes my parents help out with them, but I don’t want to take advantage.
I hope they’ll be proud of me. I hope they don’t ever feel like they were poor welfare children. I feel no shame in using food stamps to feed my kids or Medicaid so they can receive medical treatment….no matter how much society judges me for it. No matter the stares I may get for daring to wear a nice outfit and having a cell phone while swiping my card at the store. I used to feel ashamed, but I don’t have time for that. Strangers don’t know me or my story. I’m not lazy. I’m not on food stamps because I’m not working and I’m not milking the system. Have you ever tried to fill out the paperwork to apply for government assistance!? Let me assure you that it is no easy task.
I’m trying to keep my eye on the prize. Being able to go back to church has really helped. Not saying I couldn’t pray without church, but there’s something about being in the company of others who get it. Just like any other group of people…mothers, birth workers, unschoolers, breastfeeding moms, etc. There’s something about sitting in the congregation while the choir sings and the preacher preaches just what you need to hear as if he were taking directly to you. Knowing you aren’t the only broken soul sitting in that building. Hearing testimonies and knowing the same could happen for you. It’s powerful and I’ve missed it.
As tired as I am and as bad as I want to give up some days, I can’t and I won’t. I want my kids to be proud of me. I want them to know that even though we didn’t always have what we wanted we always had what we needed.
The winner of the Smell Goods Spa $25 Gift Certificate is……Elita! Congratulations!
