When I’ve been trying my best to deal with the constant fighting between my 7yr old and my 4yr old.
When I constantly look not just tired but exhausted from the constant lack of sleep.
When I sit on another therapists couch for another set of diagnosis after more in-depth neuro testing and try to keep my composure.
When I’m trying to get on the schedule for OT, Literacy and auditory testing and the woman in the office tells me after our pediatrician calls in THREE separate scripts for said therapies, then the hospital will call to let me know we’ve been placed on the waiting list.
When I am so angry that my life hasn’t turned out like I planned, not even a little bit.
When I lay awake at night wondering why me?
When I wonder if my already full plate will stop getting more piled onto it.
When people tell me I’m strong and I can get through this.
When I don’t feel strong.
When I’m tired of being fake and putting on my happy face when I go out into the world.
When I have days where all I want to do is ugly cry for hours on end.
When my best in my current depressive mode falls so very short of being my best.
When I feel completely alone.
When I feel like I’m failing as a mother and provider.
When I set personal and business goals for myself and don’t even come close to meeting them.
When the days are long. When every. single. day is long.
I don’t know what to do.
I don’t know what to say.
I don’t know what to say or ask. I don’t know how to ask.
I try to find the smallest things that bring me joy… like when I hear tiny feet and look up from my book to see those tiny feet running down the hallway.
I watch my children sleep, looking so peaceful, not a care in the world.
I listen to the sound of my children belly laughing hard from something that happened on Gumball.
I remember the words from my Pastor… “it’s going to be hard, probably one of the hardest things you’ll go through. you don’t have to like it…you just need to endure it.”
I talk on the phone with friends and listen to them describe their long days and tell them ‘me too’
I take a deep breath.
I pray…even if the only prayer I can get out is God help me.
I write or knit because I don’t have time to go to therapy.
I remember that I am one person.
I tell myself to slow down.
I take time to ugly cry.
I do the best I can with what I have to work with.
I think and read back to some of the things I’ve already overcome and remind myself that I can get through this part too.