Imperfect Motherhood


Some days being a mom is just plain hard. My buttons have been pushed to the limit these last few weeks. Kiah is going through another one of her trouble getting to sleep phases. Samuel is melting down about EVERYTHING(think I figured out some food items he’s not allergic but sensitive to) and all three of them seem like they’re constantly fighting. I’ve got my own issues going on along with a side of PMS and my low patience is lower than normal. When Samuel and Ava meltdown, it can last for at least 20 minutes.

This was discussed a bit on my Facebook Page and mothers want to talk more about the difficult times. Not to get stuck in the challenges, but because they want help and support.

I’ve been trying to exercise three times a week for at least 30mins. My energy level is way down because I’m not getting enough sleep lately, coupled with all of the running around we’ve been doing. Every now and then I look up ages and stages for my kids so I can keep in my mind where they are emotionally, and why they may do the things they do. I’m reading 1001 Great Ideas for Teaching and Raising Children With Autism or Asperger’s. I don’t want to think of Kiah as “my aspergers child” or my “sensory child” but I do need to keep certain things about the way she sees and experiences the world in the front of my mind. I’m thinking Raising Your Spirited Child may be another good one I need to pick up again. And if you’re one of those parents who doesn’t believe any of this stuff is real, keep it to yourself. I live with it in myself and see it in my children every single day.

Last night I wanted to run to the store alone but Samuel started to melt down. He was crying and saying he didn’t want me to leave him. I felt bad for him, but I felt more annoyed than anything. I kept thinking that I just wanted a few moments alone without one of the kids calling me, asking me for something, no whining. Just me, my iced coffee and my thoughts. He stopped crying when I told him he could come with me.
After getting him strapped into his seat he quietly said mom, you don’t like me very much.
That made me feel like crap, but the truth is that I have not liked his behavior lately. I have found being around him 24/7 hard to do, especially this last week. And I’m not saying that I shouldn’t be allowed my feelings, but I’m 33 and he’s 3. My son called me out on my behavior. I told him that I do like him…I actually love him and that I was having a hard time lately. I asked him why he thought I didn’t like him and he said because I looked mean at him, and then he proceeded to list every instance this week where I had either yelled at him or was short with him. I apologized and told him I would do better.
The other day Ava mentioned something about the time where I didn’t yell for a whole week. Kiah told me I was the best mom in the world one day last week, and that made me feel even worse because I have not felt like a very good mother lately. I guess I did something right to cause her to feel that way. I know they are expressing in their own way the vibes I’m putting out there. The bright side is knowing this is a phase and I’ll work through it. I’ll figure out how to resolve this.

I think it’s the craziest thing when my friends say to me that I’m so loving and gentle with my kids. When they think we live in this state of bliss because we aren’t “mainstream” And I want to laugh when they ask me for parenting advice!
The last two weeks when we’re at home I’ve wanted the kids to leave me alone. We have a new kitten, so in addition to the questions they ask about life, they’re also asking and talking to me about Mitten-Sparkles. When I step back, breathe, I see that I’m trying to run from them because I’m so worn down. It’s not their place to take care of my emotional needs, it’s my place to take care of theirs. I haven’t been taking very good care of myself which means I don’t have much energy left to take care of them the way they need me to.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this post. Every word that comes out of my mouth isn’t in a yelling tone, but I do think I yell more because I’ve chosen not to spank, use timeouts, etc. I’m recognizing it, admitting it, and trying to figure out a plan to fix it. Something I can do in those moments where I feel myself losing it, and a long-term plan that can grow with us as we change.

I wanted to let other moms know they aren’t alone in having bad days, weeks, or even months! I enjoy focusing on the positive but I need to remind myself that no mom is perfect, no children are perfect angels all the time.
It’s normal to feel frustration and anxiety sometimes. We will lose it. We will yell. We will revert back to some of our old parenting ways. It doesn’t mean we’re terrible mothers. A terrible mother wouldn’t feel bad about the way she treats her children and she certainly wouldn’t try to find a better way of reacting or responding. I think it’s important to talk about the good, but it’s even more important to talk about our not so great moments. It can be over coffee with a friend, on your blog, wherever you feel comfortable sharing. I’m not saying to stop talking about the positive, but I do think we need more of a healthy balance in our communities off/online.
I will fall apart if I try to keep up with the ultra positive all the time. We need to be honest about how rough this mothering thing can get sometimes.

More posts on being honest about our mothering challenges.

Renegade Mothering: You Blissed-out Moms Are Ruining Futures.

Blog of The Zombie Princess: Warty, Wart mom warts.

A Living Family: Tips For Peacefully Parenting A Whining Child.

Can we be honest about how imperfect we can be and offer some support to each other?