We(me and the kids) are doing 100% better than we were during my 8yrs of marriage.
I tried – I tried everything, counseling, praying, changing, begging, pleading, crying, yelling blaming myself, and then my spirit broke.
Then came a moment where I said ENOUGH! Life didn’t magically get better – it’s been one of the hardest journeys in my life, but each day I come a little closer to the other side of the storm.
This isn’t a bash-the-ex-post. I’m simply stating facts and sharing a bit of what I’ve been through for others who may be in the same spot.
When you’re in the midst of constant gaslighting and all of the other crap that comes with psychological abuse, it’s hard to see it at the time and you literally feel like your crazy.
I felt like damaged goods for so long. I was stressed and depressed.
I’ve had moments where I didn’t want to go on with the daily tasks of life. I worried and wondered 24/7 how would I take care of three children on my own? Did I have what it takes to make it? Then I had him telling me I couldn’t do it on my own and he wouldn’t provide any financial assistance…and then I questioned going back. In those moments it seemed easier to just lay around and wallow.
I’m happier, more relaxed, and my mind feels healthy again.
Here we are, two years later, and the life I want for us is taking shape.
I’m becoming the mother that I’ve always wanted to be to and for my children.
This last year I’ve been in this place where I feel so much freedom.
As Olivia Pope would say… I’m standing in the sun. And it is fabulous!
My children get to see me happy and enjoying life – not irritated all the time. I’m not saying it’s always rainbows and unicorns around here, but it’s a HUGE improvement from where I was mentally for the last decade.
For a looooong time I felt like such a failure and beat myself up for letting my kids down. That is not true at all.
I’m exercising again, losing weight, working on a few business ideas.
Gonna toot my own horn for a moment… My children have a fighter for a mother.
Not only am I surviving but I’m thriving. I’m finding myself!
My children may not completely understand it at this point in their lives but I know they will realize they have a mother who decided that quitting wasn’t an option.
This last year involved a lot of praying and soul-searching. I’ve learned how to take myself out of the victim role. I had family and friends telling me to take things one day at a time or one hour at a time if that was all I could handle. There was a lot of “I love you. I believe in you. I’m praying for your family. You will get through this” and I needed to hear all of that until I started to believe and it for myself.
I refuse to sit on my gifts and talents… and I don’t say that because I think I’m Ms Wonderful, but because I believe we are all born with a purpose and it’s up to us whether or not we own it. I’ve decided it’s time to own mine and not waste anymore time worrying if what I have to offer is good enough.