Somewhere along the way I stopped living intentionally and I started going through the motions.
I thought it would be easier. No more taking the time to help my kids work through their emotions, especially when they were upset. It should be easier to tell them to be quiet, pat them on the back and send them on their way.
I thought I had to keep it together at all times. Always be strong for my kids. I had things to do! Laundry, church, school, homeschooling, grocery shopping, cooking, write an ebook, think of starting a business, etc. Write a blog post twice a week, post to Instagram and Facebook just because. I needed to build my brand even though I didn’t want to be a brand.
It was EXHAUSTING!
I’ve worried more because I’m not living in the moment. I’ve been an emotional wreck because I kept playing the comparison game. I made myself small in hopes that I would be more acceptable and worthy in certain circles. The smaller I made myself, the more my creativity died, the worse I began to feel about myself, and the more I began to believe the negative voices in my head.
I stopped journaling because what I was writing was too real, too raw and I didn’t want to deal with it. I stopped writing on my blog for the same reasons. I was ashamed of my story because it’s so messy and I convinced myself that people only care about pretty pictures, they’ve had enough of my sad stories.
Instead of being authentic I started being a carbon copy.
I worried too much about what people thought, or what I thought they might think.
I stopped being a fighter and became the victim.
For all of the reasons above, my word for 2017 is FOCUS.
I am focused with a fire in me that I haven’t had in a long time.
2017 is all about focusing on myself because I lost sight of the woman I am and the woman I want to become.
No more making myself smaller for those who can’t see or don’t understand my vision. They aren’t the ones I’m trying to reach anyway. I’m far from perfect and can feel embarrassed by my story at times, but this is me. Everything I’ve been through has helped shape me into the woman and mother I am today.
I don’t allow my emotions time to settle. I react instead of respond.
That pain helps me grow. I said this on Instagram a few days ago…I’ve been in my Bible, praying and have gotten back to journaling over the last few weeks like I never have before. I’m loving the results so far and wondering why I didn’t do this before!
I was tired of complaining about being stuck…so I took action and it feels and looks really good.
I have peace and I can smile.
I’ve still got some messed up situations going on, but I know I’ll get through even though I can’t see how.
I’ve been through worse and I’m still standing.
I’m going to make our home comfy, cozy, and colorful by decorating with MY style, not what Pinterest says this place should look like.
I need to get back to enjoying photography. I stopped picking up my camera everyday…I do what I always do and focused on what I didn’t have, what so and so was doing.
I’m going to slow down, document how we live, what we enjoy, what makes me smile, what I love.
I’ve spent the last ten+ years married and having babies, or going through a divorce while raising my babies.
When my divorce was finalized I thought I would be ready to date, but I’m not. Yes, I’ve been on my own for a while now, but this is the first time in a very long time that I haven’t been tied to anyone in anyway.
I was concerned about how, if, or when the right guy will come along. Removing that worry from my life has me feeling empowered and free!
I want to inspire and encourage other women through my story, especially single moms and homeschooling moms. So I’m going back to the basics, allowing myself to be vulnerable and writing allllll the feelings.
Will any of what I talked about today be easy? Nope, but I like a challenge.
Focus and Fire for 2017. I’m ready to rock it!
p.s. this and future posts will be done from my phone because my laptop is broken at the moment…sorry if some things are out of sorts.