The Breaking Point

Lately I feel like all I’m doing is spinning my wheels. The last page of this journal is full and it’s time to start another one. I’m hesitant because I’m so confused and frustrated by what’s going on in my life, and I don’t want to write or speak things into existence, but I also can’t leave all of this bottled up inside. Last month I was ready to enjoy the process, but I’m not feeling that at all right now.

coffeeandjournaling

We’ve had some gorgeous weather the last 2-3 days. The sun is shining, but we can’t get out and enjoy it because this crazy flip-flop weather is an asthma trigger for the kids, and they’re coming off the most recent virus related asthma episode. I can’t explain to you how badly I need to get out and walk one of the trails, or watch my kids play at the park. It won’t fix my problems, but it would be so nice to get out in the sun to walk and think.

I knew this winter could be hard on us even though it’s been a mild one. The kids are getting sick one after the other and back to back. We’re in and out of the ER, having short hospital stays(maybe that’s the silver lining)and constantly in and out of the Dr’s office. The pharmacy knows my family well because I’m in there so often. There are times when I go to pick up a prescription and I can’t remember which child I’m there for. All three of them are on almost the same medications now. I have alarms set on my phone to remind me when to give what, and our medicine cabinet looks like a mini pharmacy.

I am exhausted, frustrated and overwhelmed. I used to do a lot of my writing at night, but that hasn’t been happening lately. I’m either so tired that I can’t focus, or I would rather watch something on Netflix so I can escape my crazy reality for a moment. I squeeze writing in whenever I can, and it’s not as often as I would like.
I haven’t slept well in months. I can usually go on 4-6hrs of sleep, but I’m waking every 2hrs either because I’ve set my alarm to time how often breathing treatments are needed, or I wake up and can’t get back to sleep.  I’ve tried writing down whatever it is I wake up thinking about, but that doesn’t help.

The longer this goes on the more annoyed and angry I start to feel. A couple of weeks ago one of the ladies at church told me I need to let go of the Why, but I keep coming back to the same question…Why?
Why does it feel like everything is falling apart all over again? Why have my kids been sick way more than usual? Why can’t I be like some of these other single moms I admire so much? Why is it so hard for me to get  my ideas off the ground. Why does everything have to be so hard? Why does everything feel like a struggle? Why do I feel so alone?

Every time I attempt to move forward I get knocked back. I can’t tell if I’m not working hard enough, don’t want it bad enough, or it’s not meant to work out yet? I know she’s right, I do need to let go of the why, but my problem is I’m one of those people who has to understand why things fall apart or work out the way they do.

People keep telling me I’m strong, I’m tough, they admire me, I rock this single mom thing.
I love that sharing my story can encourage and inspire someone else, but lately I feel like a fraud.
That is not the person I see when I look in the mirror, and it’s not how I feel lately trying to live my life.
Every setback feels like another thread unraveling from the knot.
I feel deflated and vulnerable.

When people would ask me how I was doing, my response was almost always “I’m Fabulous!” and now it’s “tired, good, fine” What I really want to do is cry and find someway to make it all stop. There’s so much other stuff going on in my personal life and I can’t or won’t share here, but lately I’ve been walking around with this feeling in my stomach and I can’t seem to shake it for more than a few minutes at a time.

It’s not like I can walk away because I’m over it, and I am so.over. it.
I choose to keep going because there is no one else here to pick up the slack.
One mom, three kids, 24/7. Their little eyes and ears are watching and listening to everything I say and do.

It seems like the harder I push the worse things get. I know there are people who have it way worse than I do and compared to them I have it made, but that does not invalidate what I’m going through at the moment, and it doesn’t make it less real or easier. I want my kids to grow up and be proud of me and know I did everything humanly possible for us.

 

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15 Replies to “The Breaking Point”

  1. I so wish I was there to give you a hug, listen and enjoy a cup of tea with you. I understand much too well how you are feeling, I too am moving through some things I thought I had already moved past, but they keep coming up. Every time I feel like I have surfaced and found some air, a big hand comes and pushes me down again, at least it has been that way the last few weeks. The last few days have been good, and I am trying to ride that wave as long as I can.

    Hang in there my friend, and know you are in my thoughts. Be kind to yourself. xo
    Kim recently posted…Morning on the HomesteadMy Profile

    1. It’s important to enjoy those good moments. I’m sorry you’re having a tough time. I remember the roller coaster of the beginning stages of single motherhood. It does eventually get easier, and you’ll be able to move past the pain a lot quicker. I’m almost 4years out and it’s a very long process to endure.

      Thank you for taking the time to read and comment!

  2. That kind of asthma sounds so hard. After a couple respiratory infections I get stressed every time my daughter has a long-running cough. I hope someone nearby can come help, even to give you an hour’s walk or a few hours sleep in a row. Not too much to ask.

    1. I can understand why you would be stressed. Asthma or not, respiratory infections are nothing to mess around with. I did get a few hours of sleep since the kids slept fairly well last night. The cough sounds less intense each day, so that makes me happy. Asthma is rough, and now I understand how my parents must’ve felt when I was a kid. Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment!

  3. I’m so sorry you are going through so much. I think you are doing an amazing job. It’s the hardest most emotionally exhausting thing to see our children sick. I don’t blame you for just wanting to switch off during those small moments you get the chance to. Be gentle on yourself. The writing will happen. Take care. Hugs xx
    Suzy recently posted…{Soulfood Friday}My Profile

    1. Hey Suzy, It s rough to see them sick. In the moment I feel kind of numb to it because I’m so used to dealing with it. Once they’re on the other side, like now, I can start to come a little undone.

  4. I’m sending you cyber hugs from VA. 🙂 I’d love to say that it’s something in the air making us all feel like a big mess. Your children will always be proud of you. And they will remember everything that you have done for them. Your tribe of single moms stands behind you, and next to you whether in person or virtually. It’ll get better. (I know it’s such a cliche) But it has to. Sometimes that’s all we have to hold on to. 🙂 HUGGGGZZZZZZZ

    1. You would move back to VA when I move away, lol.
      I definitely think this crazy weather and lack of sunshine has something to do with how a lot of us are feeling. I know my kids don’t see it all or understand it right now, but I’m ok with that. It means I’ve done a goof job at protecting them from the details of the crap we’ve had to endure. I know it will get better. Just told someone else today ” Nothing stays the same…we just need to keep pushing, and eventually things will get better.”

  5. No matter how hard they are to endure, breaking points are neccessary. I wish you much strength during the times you need it. You don´t always need to be strong and have everything together. I´m much sleep deprived myself but realise it´ll pass. At least I really hope so!! Sweet dreams to you!

    1. They are necessary. Helps me to slow down and focus on what’s really important.
      Deep down I know there’s no need to always be strong, but for some reason I still feel like it’s expected of me. Hope you’re able to get some rest!

  6. You should know that those “other single moms” you mentioned are human too. Everybody puts on their best face out in the world, but we all have our moments of doubt, stress and downright ugly. You need a break. I have a friend who is very active in her church and had two young daughters. Her husband had to take a job across the country and she was on her own for the better part of a year, while he got settled and found them all a place to live. She reached out to members of the church for babysitting and even a mommy assistant (a teen who can hang out in the house with you and help with you there). If you put it out there, you may find there are plenty of people who would be willing to take some pressure off of you and help you get your balance back. DON’T BE AFRAID TO ASK (even if you think nobody wants to take care of your sick kids – ask anyway).

    And, I don’t know what it’s like in your state, but in California, the state has respite services available for parents of kids with autism. Here, they are hired from home healthcare organizations, so they are qualified to distribute meds as well as take general care of the kids.

    Don’t stress about the writing. You are a beautiful writer. When you are ready, the ideas will come.

    Virtual hugs.
    Deborah Sale Butler recently posted…UpgradesMy Profile

    1. Hi Deborah, thanks for reading and commenting.

      In the past I’ve asked a couple people to watch the kids for me, they weren’t sick. The other two stayed with a friend one day last month when my daughter was in the hospital.
      I’ve had a couple people volunteer to help, but I don’t like asking. I always feel like I’m intruding on their life or interrupting their day. Since I’m being honest, I’ll say this….when people are going through stuff like this, especially dealing with sick kids in the hospital, we should not have to go around asking for help. People should come to us and dive in with their help. If we see people in need then we should find a way to fill it.

      My son has severe food allergies and there are a handful of people that I trust to use the epipen on him if he were to ever need it. If that makes someone nervous then I completely understand and would rather them not watch my kid.
      Even still, I do need to work on reading out more. If people have told me they want to help in the past then I can ask those people to help. I’m sure they would love to.

      As for the Autism services…thankfully my daughter doesn’t need meds or anything like that. Thank you for sharing. I can pass that information on.

      Thanks for the compliment on my writing. You made me smile.

  7. Love your real, raw, honesty. You are strong, but it’s ok to be real. To have a hard day (or week or month…). Praying for you and remembering back to my single mom days (and I had only one child then) and knowing how hard HARD it was some days and others were so good. Remembering how I felt and the need to always put on my game face — that we were “ok” — yeah, right. Feeling like no one really wanted to know the truth of how hard it was at times. You are right…people should be helping. But, my friend, please don’t hesitate to ask your church for help. I think that sometimes people assume that needs are met and often assume that strong women don’t need help. But they should still ask. Praying the Lord will provide and surround you with His peace. Praying this season passes quickly. Praying health for your sweeties. Sending a hug and much love. 🙂
    xo Lisa
    Lisa recently posted…knitting, painting, superbowling, weekending…My Profile

    1. I didn’t know you were a single mom! I’ve had various people reach out in the past and I have asked for help, but real life isn’t like they portray on TV. Everyone is living their lives, everyone is busy, and no one wants to feel like they are bothering someone. I’m just tired and there is no catching up on sleep or housework. I’m trying to focus on and be happy that everyone is in good health and enjoy it while it lasts.

  8. I wish I had a magical potion or answers to help you through this season of challenges. The best thing that helped was not to ignore your pain or struggle. Perhaps having a accountability partner who will listen and provide space for you to vent. I never compare my situation with others because my hell could be their paradise. You are a strong and wonderful lady who is navigating the single parenting role. Use your community and church as a way to regain energy. If a church member could watch the kids for an hour while you grab a nap…might be a good thing. I read your post and I am sending prayers. I’m praying for a change in your situation and or people to be available in your life to be available in your time of need. Thanks for your bravery in sharing your heart.

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